WASHINGTON, D.C.
Obama Embraces Economic Dadaism
"Why not?" is common reaction

In the face of yet another unprecedented financial crisis, the sitting president of the United States has at last resorted to Dadaism to sort out the troubles. When asked about his new policy, Mr. Obama danced and lilted: "Ungleddodle bunglemee, maybe try this one, you see?  Gebbendodder teeter-totter rescue the economy!"  The president continued to gibber until the press withdrew quietly from the room.

Economists and the literati are divided on the new approach.  Stephen Harrington, a professor of 20th century literature at Colombia, said "the president's new tack squares well with his concern over a 'lost generation', and has a great deal of historical precedent from the Europeans."  The economics department of Colombia refused comment, as they had pasted their lips together and were assembling a colossus of books and papers held together with glue.

Treasury secretary Timothy Geithner demonstrated his solidarity with the President by sitting naked in the Rose Garden, covered head to toe in body paint, and smoking two cigarettes through his nose.  When asked for comment, he screeched "smoking loon!" repeatedly for thirty seconds, then fell silent and refused to discuss further plans.  Later this evening, the cabinet is expected to put on a silent play, going into detail on the new rescue plans via the media of pantomime and dance. 

Reaction on Wall Street has been mixed.  Henry Mitchell, a trader on the NYSE, said that he "couldn't figure out what they were up to before, so damned if this makes any difference."  Oswald Harvery, a manager at Dow Jones, reported he was "thrilled that we're finally getting a consistent message from Washington."

By Mark Miner

We are a cold eyed nation
stone faced staring at the blaze
the chaff of our burning paper spoiling the sky
as we gaze into the flames of our finances

We are a quiet nation
around our tables in the evening
chatting lightly of suffering and woe
our neighbors do the same

We are a pensive nation
like children looking at the world out the window
wondering where this train is headed
and if we will like the people when we get there

We are a somber nation
as the smoke rises slowly from each disaster
searing and tearing our eyes
but we do not blink

We are a young nation
though the aches in our bones are of old
and we collectively cup our head in our hands
sighing, wondering how it became like this

Yet we are a patient nation
We have been tried before
and if we have our legs under us still
we can rise and resume the race.
By the grace of Almighty God.

Logic Bomb Destroys Fannie, Freddie
Washington, D.C.
Mortgage Giants "Brought to their Knees"

Although Fannie and Freddie recently escaped a crippling attack on their data center, another so-called "logic bomb" has wrought ruin at all levels of the institutions.  In an interview with Jim Johnson, former chairman of Fannie Mae, he divulged the troubling news.

"Anybody could have seen it coming," he said, "and nobody did anything.  It just blew up on us with a big red ERROR message, and that was it."

He was referring, of course, to the logical fallacy that his organization depended on: you can spend more than you have.  Mr. Johnson: "It was like this tidal wave.  We'd done it that way for so long, the congress loved it, homeownership was expanding.  We thought it wouldn't ever execute that line."

"That line", of course, was the command buried deep within any financial script, no matter what language it is written in, that executes a protocol known as "pay_piper.exe".  When this program is called for, it attempts to settle, or at least balance, all outstanding accounts.  It is also connected with the collapse of WaMu and Bear Stears.

Millions of American homeowners are expected to suffer as a result of this error, and millions more taxpayers may be required to repair the damage.

A tech writer for "Wired", speaking anonymously, confided to us that "bad structuring can totally f*** your system, but when you basically ask it to tell you that a huge negative number equals zero, you crash everything.  Everything."

WASHINGTON, D.C.
Breaking News: Left-Leaning Establishment Propped Up By Right-Leaning Establishment
"Simply a miracle"

Early Friday afternoon, on K-Street, a "miracle" occured.  A prominet left-leaning think-tank began to lose stability, drifting further to the left in the brisk wind.  "It just looked like it couldn't stay up much longer," said Damon Smythe, who happened to be on the sidewalk below.  "I thought I would have to run for it, y'know?"

This near-calamity was averted, however, when the building next door to the left, housing a far-right-leaning advocacy group, tipped just a bit further to the right, exactly intercepting the think-tank's ivory tower.  "I wanted to cry, it was so beautiful, so merciful!" Julie Snyder, another passerby, exclaimed.  "It could have been this huge disaster, but by drifting just a little further to the right, those nuts really saved the day."

President Obama was quick to comment on the report.  "This spirit of post-partisanship, of left and right coming together, this is why I am here today, doing what I do."  The president was wearing one of his gorgeous red ties again today.

Another bystander, who wished to remain anonymous, asked "Well, what if they had been on opposite sides of each other?"  He was handcuffed and lead away from the scene by the Washington police.  The police spokesperson issued a brief statement, saying "We don't have room for perspectives like that in America.  It's perfectly obvious that, if it had been the other way around, you would just have had to go around to the other side."