By Mark Miner

I gaze balefully down the big-bore barrel of a lab report.  It glares back.  I see its knuckles tighten, I tense, it squints, I lunge.  My impact drops it to the floor, but it lashes out and clubs me with a unit conversion.  We tussle, viciously brutalizing one another with a keyboard, with charts, with diagrams.  I flick open Excel and brandish it menacingly.  It smirks and hollers to Bernoulli to come and "mess" me a bit.  I glower, reach slowly to my waistband, then in a flash, have MATLAB aimed at it.  It laughs evilly, "You couldn't.  I bet you don't even know how to use that!"  MATLAB quivers in my fingers, and I drop it.  The lab report chuckles and Bernoulli pops his knuckles.  In desperation, I crack Excel into two razor-edged worksheets and fling them, one after another, at my assailants.  A look of stunned surprise is all that is left on the face of the lab report.  Red ink trickles slowly to the ground.

 

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